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The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn`t hear you the first 100 times.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
My whole life is based on a true story...
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling