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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
It’s not that I’m old, your music really does suck.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
Few people have the balls to admit when they`re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.