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When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they`re looking for ideas.
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.