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I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
Is everything expensive or am I just poor?
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice unless you`re in a Mexican prison
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon?
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...