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When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
I`ll take "who the f*ck would know that" for $600, Alex.
"Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
Highschool Reunion? What for ? I`m on Facebook. I already know who got fat.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like