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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
I don`t understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time