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It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
You`ll never see me on Hoarders because I can`t afford that much sh!t.
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
99 Days Facebook Free? Big deal! In 1999 I went a whole year without Facebook.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"