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Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake