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Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I`d be back to my birth weight.
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.