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I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
Anybody else have that annoying problem of Work and Family interfering with your FaceBook time?
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack