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It`s what`s on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
Who else`s favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks