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Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
Light travels faster than sound.. That is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"
That moment when being uncool, is cool