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I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
Starting to believe I`m trouble
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, Iām not tired at all.
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
Iām mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!