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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy