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Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters on poles.
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
I am hungry 25 hours a day