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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
You can`t fix STUPID, but you can Numb it with a 2x4.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
Never squat with your spurs on
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.