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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.