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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
Messing up a guy’s hair = cute. Messing up a girl’s hair = putting your life on the line.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.