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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.