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The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
"User Friendly" is just another way of saying stupid.......
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol