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Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
I wish karma would send me email notifications.