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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.