Daily Silly Status

My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.

I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.

Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.

Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.

I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this

“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..

Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...

If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.

I`m leaving my body to science fiction

ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable

"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands

I want it all and I want it delivered.

Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.