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I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
If I agree with you, we would both be wrong.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn´t surprising really, since it isn´t my birthday.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
A dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?
I don`t want it to seem like I`m trying to get rid of you, but GO AWAY!!
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".