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New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus