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Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
Your boyfriend has long hair too. I sometimes have trouble figuring out who the girl is in the relationship.
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.