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Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
Rob Stalker for congressman........Stalker....a name you can trust.
If a girl picks an iron in monopoly you know she`s a keeper
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?
I think Facebook now comes under the housework category.