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Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.