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What I do when I black out is none of my business.
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I`m going to hell in every religion!
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
AWESOME!