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Apparently I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky men that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped her.
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
I finally stopped caring what other people think ... I hope everyone`s ok with that.
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.