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Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
When in doubt, take a nap.
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
A show called the view shouldn`t hurt your eyes
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing