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Kids....because who doesn`t enjoy a fun game of "What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?"
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
The hay in baby Jesus`s manger came from Christian Bales.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.