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My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.