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If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
Checked a lot off my thought-about-doing-today list.
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home, right?
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
Just hired two Private Investigators to follow each other. I`ll keep you posted......