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I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
You think you`re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
If God didn`t want us to eat Animals he wouldn`t made them out of meat.
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...