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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
Dentists need cooler sh!t on their ceilings.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave