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Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle ... * A Cramp Stamp
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
Sanity is so overrated. I mean, it`s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn`t want to live there....
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.