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I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
If anyone could do it, it wouldn`t be called PROcrastination.
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
I am who I am, your approval is not needed.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?