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My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
If you are noticing this notice, you will have noticed this notice is not worth noticing
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.