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If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
I miss the life I planned in my head.
I`m starting to think that life isn`t worth living anymore and... Oh wait, there`s the bartender now. Nevermind.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
Teens are always full of energy until someone says the words "clean up".
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook