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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
www.amish.com. How did this happen?
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on one
You make me want to be a drunker person
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
Hawaii is a great place to live if you hate being eligible for contests.
heyy lol
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.