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I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
You`ve been on more hotel pillows then chocolate mints.
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.