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If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
It doesn`t matter if you don`t like my personality... I have several more!
"We attack at dawn!" - Hangovers
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
If a group of midgets performed the YMCA song, it is to be considered that they did it in lowercase?
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.