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People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.