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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
All I`m saying is one of us is right and the other one is you.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Yes... I repost. Isn`t that kinda the point? Spread the love and shit? Mostly shit... But that`s your fault...
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud