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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
Would you like to save money on your car insurance? Walk ... Just sayin
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.