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I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.