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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
The well behaved rarely make history.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats