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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
I think today I`ll stalk my stalker, just to shake things up a little.
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."
For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.