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The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
Care less and you’ll stress less.
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.