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I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
life is too short to match socks
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.