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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
Oh well, this time isn`t going to procrastinate itself.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"