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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
WARNING. Content on my Facebook page may offend. But I don`t f*cking care
I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
Gravity is a real downer.
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!