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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
How long do I have to sleep before I`m legally a bear?
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. how many fish do you have?? stop counting smart one fish can`t drown
Home is where the alcohol is.