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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
The word “fireplace” really reveals the creativity of our ancestors
Ways to die: Steal my food.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
You`re the one who wore a red and yellow scarf to class. So don`t look at me weird for shouting "10 points for gryffindor" when you answer questions cause I know you wanted this. -Bfanch
Your giving me the silent treatment??? FKN FINALLY!!
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
I fake my lol`s