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I think the cats are hording all the single women out there...
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.