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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
?"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Dyslexic Santa
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?