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Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.