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If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
I always advise people never to give advice.
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
Got tossed outta Starbucks this morning for asking the really cute redhead behind the counter for a "Quickie". Apparently it`s pronounced "Quiche`" who knew......
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
I hate when the remote is way over there
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.