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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
If by “clubbing” you mean eating club sandwiches then yeah I’m pretty into the club scene.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
I`m doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
I`ve accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces.........My next poop could spell trouble.
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.