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I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
"Hey, man, just called to see when you`re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too." -Radio Stations
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
You`re only young once but you can be immature forever!
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.