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Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I`d turn the radio down.
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.