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FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
Raise the bar..? Like go and drink upstairs..?
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
I don`t know if I should tip the bathroom attendant, or charge for letting him watch...
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360