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Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.