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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
Unless your kids fundraiser is selling whisley, I`m not really interested
My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
If I was on drugs, this post would be amazing.
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.