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is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
I`m trying to save up enough money to one day afford to save up money.
i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?