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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
To all them girls who go out , looking sexy as hell but have boyfriends.......Please continue to do so when you`re married.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
that awkward moment when your pulling the covers up and hit yourself in the damn face !!!
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
i used to like you but thanks to facebook i now know how boring u are
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.