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Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
I wan`t you to know that someone cares. not me, but someone.
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there