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Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Iād like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.