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So many rules; so little time to break them.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
condoms prevent minivans
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day ... Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How´d that work out for him?
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it....
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
For many people, "live and learn" is one task too many.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!