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FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn´t even have to happen at all.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
My whole life is based on a true story...