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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
word of the day: nincomtard
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
I like staying up insanely late but I also like getting 12 hours of sleep. See my dilemma?
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.