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Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.