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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
To all them girls who go out , looking sexy as hell but have boyfriends.......Please continue to do so when you`re married.
Ill be in my office giving co-workers the silent treatment ..by sending them blank emails.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
When it gets nice out I`m going to have a roof party and after that`s done have a painting party inside, come all
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.