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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced [hah hah fuhk yoo]!!
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things