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I bet the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial doesn`t ever ride his motorcycle on Martin Luther King Blvd in any town.
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
Why aren`t they called A$$teroids instead of hemorrhoids???
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it`s because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;)
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
I dream about naps.
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.