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You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it`s wide use three fingers, make sure it`s wet and rub up and down. Yep that`s how you wash a cup.
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"