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The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
Don`t bother trying to figure me out...not even the little voices in my head understand me...it`s pointless.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
What am I doing with the rest of my life? I don`t even know what I`m doing with the rest of this post...
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.