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Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
I had the urge to clean my place today so I laid down until the urge went away.
Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.