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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands.
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
I have no time for stupid people But they sure seem to have time for me.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.