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Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.
Of course I`m crazy, but that doesn`t mean I`m wrong