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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
My Memory.....The Second shortest thing I have.
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
This patience thing takes forever.
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.