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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.