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I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.