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My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
I hav 10 fingers bt i usd only.. the thumb to write this...!
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."