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At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
50% of people believe s@x is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are guys
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
life is too short to match socks
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets. Hold it, you`re talking about BABIES?
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
They say do what you love & the money will follow. I love doing nothing. We`ll see.
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.