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The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
He died doing what he loved: telling me I`m overreacting.
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
My inner self is in Photoshop
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
Dear Santa, before I try to explain…..just how much do you already know?