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Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!