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I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
’Friday’ is my second favourite word starting from the letter `F`. :)
Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.
I’m bored. Anyone need anything avenged?