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Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?