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Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
why waste your brain cells to think of a comment when you can just like someone else`s?
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing