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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
Would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol