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Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
when humans are in love they get butterflys...dose that mean when butterflys are in love they get humans!! :)
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.