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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
My facebook has been rated PG for Poor Guy
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone