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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie