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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
The word “fireplace” really reveals the creativity of our ancestors
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
so far so good.... no unexpected father`s day cards or presents!
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.