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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
The problem with diets is pizza.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!