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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"