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I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
If a girl can kick your a$$ at video games, she’s a keeper.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
I liked you until you started ignoring me and then I loved you. -Girls ---- Bfanch
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.