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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
wants my 260 FB friends to know I love you all..except #193
stupidity is a privelege entitled to everyone but you my dear are abusing this right
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.