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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.