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Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
I`ve never been skydiving, but I`ve zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.
Everything is so much funnier when you`re not allowed to laugh.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
Yes, I used to "dance like no one is watching"; at least until Google Earth sent me a certificate for ten free lessons.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Being unsure has never stopped me from making a decision.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…