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great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?
Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.