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Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
Ha = I didn`t find that funny. Haha = That was funny. Hahahahaha = I want to sleep with you.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.