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What a rip-off. I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess.
Science is just a numbery way to explain magic.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
What is this `wrong hole` you people speak of?
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
Siri, where are my pants?
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day