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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
You know its cold out ......when you go outside..... and it`s cold out
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.