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Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.