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When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
If Google can`t find the answer, it`s not a question.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
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The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.