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Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.