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Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
with great power...comes great electric bill...
is spending my children´s inheritance.
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he’s drunk. I know I do.
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.