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According to a recent study 52% of women have used vibrators....I`m guessing the other 48% have new ones?
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
Actually, I prefer to smile on the `inside`, then no one knows what you`re up to....
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
1st woman on the Moon.. Houston we have a problem What? Never mind What`s the problem? Nothing Please tell us? You know what the problem is.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.