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Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything.
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
Always believe a woman when she says: “You don`t want to know!”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of beer named Responsibly.
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.