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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
Can you imagine if Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their house squinting at the sun/
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.