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If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
Talked to someone in person today....what a pain in the a$$ that was!
Gravity is a real downer.
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
It’s not what you wear; it’s how you take it off.