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Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
Yes... I repost. Isn`t that kinda the point? Spread the love and shit? Mostly shit... But that`s your fault...
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?