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As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Insert coin to view my status message.
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
When in doubt, take a nap.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.